Tonight marks the long-awaited premiere of Simon Cowell’s other music competition show The X Factor, which hopes to separate itself from all the competition with a fat winner’s check and geriatric contestants. With a panel of judges that includes Cowell, Paula Abdul, L.A. Reid and Nicole Scherzinger, none of the major players are total strangers to the American television community, save for host Steve Jones. Based on their past behaviors and the nature of reality competition audition rounds, we’ve come up with a list of things to expect at some point during night one. Will Paula cry? Will Simon yell? Will L.A. coin a new Randy Jackson-esque catchphrase? Will Nicole’s boobs not become a punchline? If you plan on watching, go ahead and make an event out of it all. Gather your friends, make your predictions and keep the the wine flowing (for those of age) while you follow along with the show. We know your real money is riding on your sister/neighbor/dentist making it big so you can finally get started on your Entourage-inspired five-year plan, but here are a few lighter things to put those hard earned dollars on while you wait. And if we’re totally off here, you can always turn it into a drinking game: Take a sip anytime a person sings.
HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL BREAK DOWN IN TEARS?
☐ Less than 10
☐ More than 10
WILL NICOLE SCHERZINGER FLIRT WITH A CONTESTANT?
WILL PAULA ABDUL?
SIMON COWELL WILL CALL PAULA STUPID/PAULA WILL HIT HIM
☐ 17 times per hour
WHICH ONE OF L.A. REID’S FAMOUS ARTISTS WILL HE NAME-DROP FIRST?
☐ Mariah Carey
☐ Kanye West
HOW LOW WILL SIMON COWELL’S V-NECK GO?
☐ Collarbone length or higher
☐ Collarbone length or lower
☐ Low enough for a moob/nipple slip
WILL NICOLE SCHERZINGER’S BOOBS BECOME A PUNCHLINE?
“CHANCE OF A LIFETIME” IS UTTERED AND/OR “THE X FACTOR” IS USED AS A CHARACTERISTIC TO DESCRIBE CONTESTANTS
☐ Never, thank goodness
☐ Every five minutes
FIRST AUDITION NUMBER TO BREAK SIMON COWELL’S DECREE OF “SONGS NOT TO SING” WILL BE
☐ “At Last”
☐ “I Believe I Can Fly”
☐ “I’m Yours”
☐ “Ordinary People”
☐ “Unchained Melody”
THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN AMERICAN IDOL ARE POINTED OUT BY THE HOST
☐ At least once
☐ More than 10 times in two hours
NICOLE SCHERZINGER MENTIONS HER OWN REALITY SHOW EXPERIENCE
PAULA ABDUL TALKS ABOUT HER IDOL PAST
CHANCES OF AN AWKWARD CHERYL COLE REFERENCE
☐ A sure bet
LENGTH OF THE LONGEST GOOD OR BAD NOTE HELD BY A CONTESTANT
☐ Five seconds
☐ 10 seconds
☐ 20 seconds or more
THE NUMBER OF TRULY TALENTED SINGERS WE SEE IN NIGHT ONE
☐ Less than five
☐ More than five
Feel free to join in on the fun by leaving your own predictions or dream scenarios for premiere night in the comments below, and be sure to check back here for our full take on The X Factor on Thursday.