Right from the headline, something is awry about this ad: “DAS RACIST FAN FICTION AUTHOR NEEDED.” Well, in all likelihood, probably not. Emergency operations are needed, freedom from oppressive tyrannical rule is needed; in all but the most historically extreme of cases, someone to write fan fiction—about a rap trio obsessed with racial politics and Jacques Derrida, no less—is not needed. Yet for one particularly ravenous Das Racist fan, it appears that this is, at the very least, a desire of great importance. Reads the ad so titled:
In my lifetime, I have only really known one true love: The Music of queens based hip-hop outfit Das Racist. The zany lyrics of Kool A.D. and Heems, as well as the crazy stage antics of hypeman Dapwell has done nothing but warm my heart for many a year that I have been listening to them. From such hard hitting songs as “Rainbow In The Dark” and “Power” to sweet seranades like “Coochie Dip City”, Das Racist have become a sountrack to my life. There has to be some way I can repay them, and there is only one way I can think of that:
I however, am not good at writing. That is why I am asking you, prospective author, to write me a wonderful tale about Das Racist! Some kind of wild and crazy story of adventure, love, and overcoming adversity.
The ad goes on to list a number of prerequisites for said fan fiction writer, including “familiarity” with the group’s music, “Knowledge of Shaun Bridgmohan” (the first horse-racing jockey of Jamaican descent to ride in the Kentucky Derby and a frequent Das Racist subject matter) and, most critically, “The ability to ‘Bring It’.”
What kind of compensation can you expect for making these dreams come true, by the way? Oh, only the princely sum of Ten Dollars U.S.D. Plus, who knows what kind of opportunities that could lead to? Before you know it, you could be writing specifically commissioned slash fiction for El-P and Prefuse 73. And Mom says you aren’t doing anything with your life!