We’re less than three weeks away from Simon Cowell’s return to television, and the premiere of his Americanized X Factor, where performers of all ages compete for a ridiculous $5 million prize. Now that the rumors have subsided and the judges’ table is locked in, those behind the show are hoping quick promos featuring a range of wild and crazy contestants will keep anticipation high. But for a music competition show, the newest videos feature absolutely no singing. Instead, producers focus in on a few contestants whose sob stories or callous personalities can evoke a range of emotions, as drastically different as the ones in rumbling around in Paula’s head. There’s the cocky Alexander a.k.a. Xander a.k.a. Pain In Our Ass, who believes he’ll have more luck making it on national television if he acts entitled and picks a fight with Simon rather than actually sing, the wounded divorcee Stacey, whose ex-husband killed her confidence but now assures Simon she doesn’t “want to die with this music in [her],”— cue the tears—a 13-year-old looking to help her family move on up and boy band brave enough to tackle the L.A. Reid-penned “End Of The Road” in front of the man himself. Try and guess which one Simon calls “Sweetheart,” below. All that transatlantic travel has sure made him soft.