Posted by Katherine St Asaph on 06/22/2011 at 4:25 PM News

The Popdust Files: american idol

Randy Jackson’s critiques have always added a lot to the American Idol judging panel, right? He’s consistently come through with the most non-repetitive, substantial feedback for contestants. There’s no way you could assemble a Randy Jackson soundboard with “wheelhouse,” “in it to win it” or any other oft-repeated phrase. So of course he’s the best candidate to get his own talk show! (Please note sarcasm.)

There’s no show yet, but Randy’s been pitching it pitchily to buyers. There’s no concept yet beyond “things that will be hip next,” which makes us think substantial time on blogs and Google will be had. There’s no catchphrase yet, although if Randy does get his own show, give it three episodes.

Yeah, OK, we’re a bit iffy on the prospect of Randy Jackson getting a talk show. He might have an extensive musical background, but let’s not fool ourselves into thinking anything but his American Idol time will drive any decision. As you might know, Idol‘s had a lot of judges! So how would they do instead? Would they make better hosts than Randy Jackson? Here’s our speculation.

Simon Cowell: Would start out as thirty minutes of Simon just berating the shit out of every guest, but as the seasons go on, would mellow out more and more until all that’s critical would be a muttered “could be better.” At this point, Simon would leave for a rival network.

Paula Abdul: Would regularly show up in sound bites, YouTube videos and gossip sections for its “unique” interviewing style and “loopy” on-screen antics. Eventually, this press will deteriorate into concern and slightly meaner gossip sections, at which point the show would disappear. (This almost happened.)

Kara DioGuardi: Would get the show after enough backstage production credits to make IMDB whimper. On the third or so show, Kara would make one gaffe on air and subsequently attract the ire of the whole world, after which she’d go off-air and return to crew.

Ellen DeGeneres: Would make a show a lot like this. Everyone will love it.

Steven Tyler: Would consistently make headlines for his wacky, semi-creepy turns of rhyme. 50% chance of eventually being embroiled in a David Letterman scandal.

Jennifer Lopez: Would be hailed upon arrival as the crown of her comeback. The show itself would be wildly inconsistent–but when good, surprisingly so–then eventually break down over salary negotiations and diva demands.