Posted by Emily Exton on 05/20/2011 at 1:14 PM News

The Popdust Files: beyonce, britney spears, lady gaga, the x factor

According to evangelical radio host Harold Camping, the world will end sometime Saturday, May 21. We’re not ready! JT is hosting Saturday Night Live and Gaga’s the musical guest! Plus, how can we truly move on to the afterlife in peace if we don’t get to see Josh Groban perform at Oprah’s final show or find out for ourselves if Britney Spears really dances on her Femme Fatale tour?

We at Popdust are unlucky lucky enough to have seen the future. Here are the Top 10 things we’ll miss out on if Saturday is in fact Judgment Day:

10. Ke$ha checks into rehab, just for kicks.
Before long, K-Money gets sick of going to the same old clubs over and over again, and concludes that she needs a new scene. With rehab’s cultural cachet at an all-time high, she decides to see what all the fuss is about and checks herself in voluntarily to the Promises center, turning the detox ward into Malibu’s most bitchin’ discotheque with a couple blasts of her glitter gun.
9. Gwyneth Paltrow wins a Grammy.
Paltrow goes method to record her debut album Raw Life, a tribute to the Straight Outta Compton created after the Academy Award winner took her GOOP teachings to streets of L.A. The album unanimously sweeps at the Grammy Awards, and Paltrow is now planning a follow up with Lil Wayne, entitled No Dairy.
8. Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s future daughter successfully EGOTs.
After years of basement choreography and lessons in flow, the genetically gifted spawn of Bey and Jay becomes the youngest person to win every major performance award. Something no one expected, other than her proud parents.
7. The hilariously bitter divorce hearings between Katy Perry and Russell Brand are made public.
The adorably TMI details of the couple’s love affair turn horrifically sour as the two split over cheating rumors on both sides, then race to the press to reveal embarrassing details about the other. Turns out, Russell Brand screams out the name of his 4th grade language arts teacher whenever he orgasms, and Katy Perry outright refuses to have sex in any position except missionary. The leaks, while extremely funny, are delivered with such vitriol that they make readers uncomfortable, giving them a should I even be reading this? pause.
6. Kanye West writes his first-ever rock-opera, detailing the fight between space gods Xenu and Venthenema for intergalactic supremacy.
With no more quality material to plumb from his personal life, Kanye decides to take the next step with his musical ambitions and write his first-ever rock opera, entitled Future Wars and Past Betrayals. Claiming to be inspired by Janelle Monae, Styx and a mysterious new hybrid drug compound he calls “Treefrog,” Kanye’s 135-minute double LP is his first major commercial failure, with lead single “The Day The Sun Caught Fire (Part II)” stalling at #44 on the charts, and future releases failing to even crack the Hot 100. The album still makes the top five of the Village Voice‘s year-end Pazz & Jop poll.
5. The Ryan Murphy Law passes.
Responsible for reinventing the hour-long television episode, the visionary Glee creator lends his talents to Washington, crafting a bill that mandates every public school in the country will conduct each school day entirely through song. As part of Michelle Obama’s ongoing “Let’s Move” initiative, dancing the Dougie is required, but only during periods 1-4.
4. Tyler, the Creator becomes a born-again Christian.
In his testimony, Tyler says that he saw the light after Diddy adopted the moniker “swag,” which he described as a sign from God to change his ways. His Twitter account (renamed @faithtyler) posts Bible verses ten times a day.
3. Justin Bieber takes a break from touring and recording to attend Harvard undergrad.
The Bieb breaks teenage hearts worldwide as he reveals that he is planning on taking a four-year hiatus from his musical career to focus on his studies, choosing to double-major in Swag and Communication. The Cambridge campus turns into a 24-hour Bieber watch, with all the secret societies breaking century-old rules to openly recruit him. Halfway through his sophomore year, Bieber grows frustrated that no one ever seems to get his references to Tragically Hip and the Trailer Park Boys, and he drops out to return to Ontario.
2. Lady Gaga writes a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel.
Gaga is now the most in-demand author, thanks to her lowly beginnings as a fashion columnist for V magazine. (Her archives, no longer available on the magazine’s site, go for $5,000 a pop on EBay.) Readers praise her ability to position the plight of the loser against pretentious fashion criticism, and her fiction debut—Sweater Haus, about how couture saved an at-risk teen—is currently required reading in all junior high schools.
1. Rebecca Black drops a full-length album.
Described by critics as her “intentionally difficult” follow-up to “Friday,” Maelstrom at the Bus Stop features tuba instrumentals, a cappella spoken-word odes to cereal and one fifteen-minute track where she and best friend Benni Cinkle, featured on the bridge, speak in tongues over ten tracks of wheels groaning and the EKG sound Black recorded during a hospital press conference to prove to the world that she isn’t pregnant. There are also dubstep influences, because, of course there are.

While these are scary times, we should still try and enjoy them. Keep on dancing till the world ends, folks. Because Britney said so.