Little monsters! You may think you understand Lady Gaga’s fashion sense, but Lady Gaga probably disagrees. In her new V Magazine fashion column, the Mother Monster lays out an extensive array of pop-cultural and high-cultural tenets for the world, ones that almost all the human population would fail to meet.
How well do you measure up? Test your fashion knowledge with Popdust’s GRE — the Gaga Respect Exam! Please note: the following standards apply to nobody in the entire world except Lady Gaga, so don’t feel too bad if you don’t score as high as you’d like. You can always take it again, once you get your multi-million-dollar high-fashion homework (what, you didn’t do it?) better memorized.
(The actual column is here, but no cheating. Gaga would not approve.)
1. What is glam culture ultimately rooted in?
a) I don’t really care about glam culture.
b) Um, glam?
c) The zeitgeist. What looks interesting. What’s new, fresh.
2. You’re looking at a hemline, or maybe a pair of heels. What are you thinking?
a) I’m looking at a hemline or pair of heels? Why would I ever do that?
b) I’ve got this party to go to Saturday and could use something new. Score!
c) Didn’t Alexander McQueen come out with something similar a year ago?
d) The fabric is Monet with a little soupcon of Renoir, but the base of the heel has got such a post-mercantilism, pre-industrial revolution aura to it that simply throws things off, darling. I could go on….
3. You’re moving into a sweet studio apartment on the Lower East Side. How do you furnish it?
a) Um, actually, I don’t think this is the living situation I want. What else is out there?
b) I’ve got some pictures of my friends back home I can hang up, and I can swing by IKEA for the rest.
c) There’s so much: designer dresses, gorgeous shoes, and of course my Gaga memorabilia collection. Gotta pay tribute to the Mother.
d) Vintage books and magazines. Old Bowie posters from my dad. Metal records from my best friend Lady Starlight. My aunt Merle’s hand-me-down emerald-green designer pumps. Anything is inspiration. Everything is inspiration.
4. What do you do when you’re not go-go dancing or making mixtapes for a Times Square publishing company?
a) You’re implying I have ever done those things.
b) Hang out with friends, go out on the weekends, or sometimes just chill in front of the TV surfing the Web.
c) Put together outfits, browse the fashion blogs and think about my personal style. I’m getting there!
d) Analyze Rico (the Zombie Boy)’s tattoos for the fiftieth time, pondering how they relate to Bazooka Gum and how that comes out in my lovely sense of youth. Or anything that’s kinda like that.
5. What significance do the following names have: Mark Bolan. Jerry Hall. Ginger from Casino. Isabella Blow?
a) None as far as I can tell.
b) I’ve heard of them, or at least some of them. They’re all pretty cool people, I guess?
c) They’re all iconic, and while they may not be my personal icons, I give them the respect they deserve.
d) Rockstar style. Swagger. Panache. Mystery. And all parts of my multidimensional appeal. Anyone who answers anything else does not deserve to be a writer. STOP WRITING NOW, FELLOW QUIZ-TAKERS.
e) Don’t you mean Marc Bolan?
6. When Yves Saint Laurent designed the “Mondrian” day dress for fashion week Fall/Winter 1965, did he plagiarize or revolutionize?
a) I stopped reading this question after six words.
b) Plagiarized. 50-50 chance.
c) Revolutionized. Yves Saint Laurent is a fashion icon, and Piet Mondrian is not. I take a few cues from Yves Saint Laurent myself.
d) Neither. He had a conversation in art, drawing Picasso and Matisse and millions of others into the wake of his beautiful words. Which we are all tasked to do in this unfashionable world.
7. What did you think of the “Born This Way” performance at the Grammys?
a) Never got around to watching it.
b) Gaga’s a great singer live, but I wasn’t a huge fan of the egg thing. It seemed kind of lazy.
c) It’s really cool how it was a call to battle against prejudice and how it reached out to her fans. That’s a cause that needs to be advanced.
d) Ah, the costume stolen from an egg; the tattoos that are a subcultural symbol for rebirth; the makeup that lets Gaga redefine her perception of beauty. Francis Bacon. Salvador Dali. The way the world just doesn’t understand it and never will.
8. Who is your Mondrian?
a) What’s a Mondrian?
b) [after Googling] Seriously, what’s a Mondrian? I can’t find any reference to this usage anywhere outside this quiz. I think Lady Gaga just made this term up.
c) Well, if you mean my role model… Lady Gaga.
d) I could not possibly fit all the Mondrians for all the facets of my multi-faceted, beautiful personality into this tiny little quiz question.
9. How do you free yourself from social scars?
a) I’m not really sure. It happens on its own.
b) I call up a friend, go out for drinks, or just take a walk to clear my mind.
c) I love to experiment with style. Reinventing myself, so to speak. Lady Gaga’s really inspired me in this regard.
d) I wear the mask, and wear it proud, transforming myself with hundreds of years of high fashion history, raw meat and my entourage of paid stylists and coaches.
10. What would YSL think of you? Really, really think of you?
a) I care about few things less than some dead French fashion designer’s opinion.
b) He’d think I’m OK, I guess?
c) It would be my utmost dream for him to take notice of me.
d) Ask Nan Kempner. What, you don’t have access to her because she’s dead? I pity you.
TALLY YOUR SCORE:
If you answered a: 0 points
If you answered b: 2 points
If you answered c: 5 points
If you answered d: 10 points
If you answered e: You qualify to be Lady Gaga’s copy editor. Note: This is a position that is not, has never been, and will never be open. 1 point.
0-19 points: Um, maybe you and Lady Gaga are just not meant to be on the same wavelength. You’re probably an independent person! But y’know.
20-49 points: You’re an average human being, which is great! Alas, average does not cut it for La Gaga. Get out those Vogue back issues and you might qualify for Style 101.
50-79 points: You’re getting there on your Monsterdom! But sadly, it’s going to take a few more trips to Gaga’s omnicultural library before you can truly earn the Queen Mother’s respect.
80-99 points: Congratulations on scoring a B or higher! Ever considered joining the Haus of Gaga?
100 points: You are Lady Gaga. We’re honored that you read our site. But WTF was up with that “Judas” video?