Posted by Maura Johnston on 03/14/2011 at 3:33 PM News

The Popdust Files: sex tapes, usher

In the latest example of people being amazed that celebrities are actual human beings with desires and feelings, TMZ is freaking out because it’s been approached by someone who has a tape of Usher and his ex-wife Tameka Foster in flagrante delicto. “We’ll keep this PG-13 and just say … the people in the video are both givers,” TMZ says with a wink and a nod, just in case you wanted to prepare for the video’s inevitable release by writing yourself some fan fiction.

The video was apparently acquired all the way back in December 2009, when someone broke into Usher’s car and stole a million dollars in jewelry and electronics. (So wait, is the profferer of the video the same person who broke into the car? That would be amazing… ly stupid. Nobody would be that dumb, right? At least without checking up on statutes of limitations?)

Meanwhile, Usher’s ex, with whom he split in mid-2009, has sent out a bunch of tweets that encourage people to be, you know, adult about this, given that the two of them were married and having sex is something that married people do. Why, haven’t you heard Usher’s songs about the art of lovemaking? There are quite a few, although this is probably the one with the most elegant reference to ordering Chinese food as a form of foreplay:

Ush himself has remained mum on the rumors. Could he be trying to figure out how to explain this to his protégé, young Justin Bieber? Or is he just rolling his eyes at the idea that people are surprised that someone who sings about making love all over the place might have taped himself in the act for purposes of having inspiration in reserve?