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“Glee” Gets A Bit Too Sexy For The Kids

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Posted by Rae Votta on 03/09/2011 at 10:56 AM News, Recaps

The Popdust Files: glee

Right up front I’m going to admit this episode of Glee made me tear up three separate times, and that’s damn hard, given that if prominently features Gwyneth Paltrow! But to get to those touching moments, we’re going to have to wade through a whole lot of ‘sexy.”

This week we get a sexual situations warning, which is amusing because last year someone got pregnant on this show and they showed a dude’s orgasm face on screen multiple times. But I guess discussing sex in a frank way, and actually showing a condom (gasp!), are worth notifying parents.

We start off in the celibacy club, which is down to Rachel, Quinn and Emma, who is still battling her intense intimacy issues, although for laughs here. I really did enjoy when she was actively engaged in real therapy, but alas. The show starts making all sorts of sex jokes left and right—chastity charms as nipple rings, Tennessee pregnancy pacts, etc. Holly has returned to McKinley to teach sex ed and she is shocked to find out the kids don’t know much about sex at all. When she tries to teach them how to put a condom on a cucumber, explaining the condom protects from AIDS, Finn exclaims, “Cucumbers can give you AIDS!” Mercedes counters: “Seriously, cause I just had them on my salad!?” Unfortunately that exchange was about 99 percent of what we get from both of those characters for the entire episode. At least it was a good joke.

We get a peek into Britt’s locker: Inside she’s got a picture of herself, probably to reminder her who she is. Santana comes by and propositions her, and while Britt wants her sweet lady kisses, she can’t because she thinks she’s pregnant. Of course, we’re talking Britt, who thinks Santa is still real, and who has mistaken a nest outside her window for the stork coming to bring her a baby. This is the wake-up call Schue needs to realize he must step in and teach the kids about sex… through music. Which he figures out during a jazzercise class with Holly, who reminds him the way to get kids to take something they don’t want is to disguise it in something they do. (For a school with budget problems, McKinley High sure does have a lot of extra activities. I bet the teachers would prefer a raise to awkward leotards and stretching.)

In the choir room Schue wants everyone to focus on sex and not Regionals, because it’s not like Regionals are next week or anything! Instead of working on the original songs written for judge-wowing purposes we get a sex ed lesson, which somehow doesn’t incorporate a cover of “I Want Your Sex.” Missed opportunity, Glee.

Holly strolls in and starts teaching the kids, mostly by belittling them. I thought she was supposed to have learned how to be a better teacher last visit, but instead she puts everyone down, calls the teenagers who are choosing celibacy frigid, and breaks out into an entirely inappropriate song. “Do You Wanna Touch Me” sounds fine, but why is an adult singing this and ripping off her clothes in a room full of teenagers? I hate when I have to agree with Schue but his little “too much” sign is right. Why does this show always insist on putting the adults in weird sexual situations with the kids? The only acceptable exception was the Rachel/Schue situation last season because that had a plausible-for-Glee plot arc.

Speaking of the implausible, Kurt and Blaine are in line at Lima Bean and it isn’t quite explained how they are friends again after last week’s—recall that the last time we saw them together, Blaine stormed out on Kurt. I guess they’re over it! So we will be as well! Sue shows up and begins trying to pull Kurt into her plot to overthrow the glee club by giving him details of the club’s sexy plan while concocting her perfect coffee enema (two parts sugar syrup, 1 part sugar packets with paper, 1 part coffee). There’s a charm to this scene because it’s been a long time since we’ve seen anyone new reacting to Sue’s ways; Blaine’s face the entire time is the perfect mix of aghast and enthralled. When Kurt refuses to help her she storms off, but leaves Blaine with the idea that the Warblers need to inject a little sexy into their routine for Regionals. Except he says they need to get “sexified,” which, ugh.

Back at McKinley Emma is furious that Schue let Holly sexify the club and Schue gives her a chance to perform with the celibacy club in fairness, which should be super embarrassing for everyone. Out in the hallway, Lauren and Puck continue their awesome courtship by planning to make a sex tape, in hopes of it rocketing Lauren to Kardashian levels of superstardom. (She wants a fragrance of her own.)

Meanwhile the Warblers have somehow found an abandoned warehouse/hangar and have shuttled in a group of girls from their sister school to crowd-test their sexy attempt. They let dapper Blaine give the opening speech, which is about as sexy as a poor man’s Chuck Bass impression. The group, led by the club’s two gay performers, breaks out into “Animal,” a breakout hit for Neon Trees last year and the only semi-current song this episode. Maybe the Warblers (and Glee) know a thing or two about what gets teenage girls hot and bothered? The vocals on this song sounded a little subpar when I listened to them alone, but in the context of performance, which has the guys climbing all over a platform-heavy structre, they’re light and fun. Blaine is performing in his tried and true hammy-but-suave style, but Kurt’s attempts at sexiness are painful. This is the first time Kurt’s really been able to perform as a Warbler, and while what he’s doing is totally in line with how New Directions approaches group numbers, he sticks out like a sore thumb in the Warbler machine. (To be fair, though, some of the dudes in the back aren’t really doing sexy that well either.) He and Blaine climb to the top of the structure and shoot the group below with foam—sure, it’s supposed to look carefree and fun, but given the episode’s overall theme, it really just looks like a big money shot.

At the end Blaine gets some girls’ numbers but has to turn them down because he’s totally gay. That bisexuality crisis sure was super easy for him! (Yes, I’m still angry.) He goes to check on Kurt and make sure he’s okay, since some of the faces Kurt was pulling mid-performance made it seem like he was in actual pain. Kurt laments he can’t do sexy because he has a total lack of sexual knowledge. Blaine says they’ll figure something out, and if I didn’t know that there was no way Glee would follow this up with a montage of make-out lessons, I would have gotten truly excited just then.

Britt and Santana, meanwhile, do want to make out, but Britt has hesitations because Santana refuses to talk about her feelings. But when Britt suggests they talk to an adult about what’s going on between them, Santana obliges, because the only character Santana will truly bend for on the show is Britt. I’m actually giddy over where this is going—we’ve been waiting a long time for Santana to develop in this way, and I’m thrilled that Britt is the one pushing her along.

Holly sits down with Britt and Santana to discuss their feelings, and is actually halfway decent at helping them. She asks them if either of them is a lesbian and when Santana answers that she’s attracted to girls and guys (not to mention the occasional mannequin) Holly points out what’s important is who you love, not who you have sex with. I may have done actual “yay” arms on my couch when this happened because after last week this show really needed a bi-positive (really, fluid-sexuality-positive) nod. The girls are going to sing about their feelings, and it’s the first song this episode I’m actually excited for because it has real purpose.

Instead of make-out lessons, Blaine is coaching Kurt on making sexy faces. (You just know Blaine practices all his faces in the mirror all the time.) Kurt’s faces are horrible and all sort of the same. Kurt gets flustered when Blaine calls him out on this, admitting he has no idea about sex, and he’s tried to watch pornography but he just gets depressed and judgmental about tattoo choices. Blaine offers to share with Kurt what he knows, but that just causes Kurt to blush further and admit he loves Broadway because he’s a romantic and the touch of a hand is sexy enough for him. Clearly embarrassed, he throws Blaine out.

Back at school Schue is preparing for a performance of Prince’s “Kiss,” as a tango, and he enlists Holly to help him practice it. I really wanted to skip this entire scene because who needs it? In a show about the kids dealing with sex, we’re not getting enough of them actually singing about their feelings and too much of adults singing about general sexiness. But at least the kids aren’t around to see it. At the end they kiss, of course, and while I kind of buy their crazy attraction to each other, I buy it because they both suck and I want them off my TV screen. Also I retract my statement about the kids not being around to see it; the poor ignored band students have to stand awkwardly in the background watching the teachers make out. I hope the band gets a ton of extra credit for all the crazy they endure.

Blaine comes to visit Burt, a man so far he’s barely met, at the garage, and he barges right into a conversation about sex and parenting. Whoa there, Blaine Anderson. You are awkward and embarrassing and inappropriate. The only redeeming thing about this entire scene is Burt calls him out on all this. Blaine thinks Burt should talk to Kurt about sex, and obviously this makes Burt uncomfortable but Blaine barrels on, pointing out that they have a great father/son relationship that he’s envious of and Kurt needs to know this stuff before it’s too late. All good points, but the 16-year-old boy Kurt has a crush on should not be making them to that boy’s ather in the middle of an auto shop. Every week I am left with more questions than answers about what this show wants us to think of Blaine, except that I have the sinking suspicion they’re vamping until the final episode for a dramatic romantic cliffhanger.

All that mess is quickly forgotten because Brittney and Santana sing “Landslide” and it is absolutely beautiful. Naya Rivera’s performance this episode is dynamite, and it’s glorious to watch her navigate the intricacies of her character. This song is what I’d hoped the whole episode could be, with the kids figuring out who they are and what they want and telling each other. The way the producers lifted Santana’s vocals on “but time makes you bolder” gave me legitimate chills. The way the girls look at each other as they sing the lines is completely satisfying after the slow build of their complicated relationship over the past two seasons, and I’m happy to admit this my first tear of the evening was shed at the end, when they embraced. Of course, it’s short-lived when Rachel makes a comment about them being Sapphic and Santana declares she doesn’t do labels, to Britt’s dismay. In true Glee fashion it’s two steps forward, one step back.

We come back from that stellar scene to have to watch the celibacy club, and John Stamos, awkwardly stumble through “Afternoon Delight,” which Emma mistakenly thinks is about mid-day dessert eating. John Stamos pulls Holly aside and pleads for her help as the sex ed teacher, and I’m pretty sure this isn’t in her job description but what the hell, she’ll give it a go.

As Kurt asked of Burt last episode (and Blaine awkwardly pushed along), Burt has done some research and is ready to sit down and talk to Kurt about sex. Kurt, faced with getting what he asked for, immediately wants to flee, but Burt is a good dad and tells him no, they are going to do this and both be better men for it. Burt Hummel should be everyone’s TV dad. Hell, McKinley should hire Burt to come in and teach sex ed to the kids because what he says to Kurt in this scene is a lot more important than all of Holly’s condom-covered cucumbers. While he fuzzes over the mechanics (seriously, that’s what the Internet is for) he hits the real gist of what Kurt (and all the kids) need to hear about intimacy. He reminds Kurt that guys don’t typically think about what sex really means, and it’s going to be more dangerous for Kurt because two guys can be even more careless and unable to stop themselves. This is a pretty gendered view on the whole thing, and you can see Kurt a little uncomfortable because he’s already expressed to the audience that he isn’t currently having the typical male feelings about sex (it actually struck an interesting chord when he asks Burt if women are different, because he probably feels like he identifies with the stereotype of women in this scenario) but Burt can’t really be blamed because Kurt is silent this scene and doesn’t tell him what he’s thinking. This is his first go at The Talk and he’s only able to speak from his masculine experience, and at the core he wants to go beyond the stereotypes and for Kurt to remember that sex means something.

If you didn’t get a little emotional during this scene I question whether you have a heart. For Kurt, who is awkward and embarrassed about sex, this talk was what he needed to hear, even if he doesn’t know it yet. He’s thankful for now, and you can see the weight lifted off Burt’s shoulders once the talking is done. The power of Glee, what’s worth every subpar performance and awkward plot twist, is the fact that Burt Hummel’s monologue was beamed into in millions of living rooms, watched by kids whose parents aren’t as brave. I hate to agree with anything Holly says in the episode, but she hit the nail on the head about disguising important lessons in something fun. That scene was the bit of vegetables in the middle of a sugary, somewhat empty Glee cake.

Unfortunately that feeling lasts less than a moment when we return to Holly sitting down with Emma and her husband. Apparently she’s just as offensive and bad at her job with straight people because the magic Holly had with Santana and Britt is completely gone. The couple admits to never having had sex, and Holly jumps directly to the conclusion that Emma is hung up on Schue. But it’s a convenient way to get John Stamos out of the picture because of his jealousy and open up a whole new triangle with Holly. Does anyone remember how this show is about a glee club? Full of teenagers who have their own relationships? Why do we need adult love triangles anyway?

We’re reminded of how much more satisfying the show’s teen relationships are in the next scene. Santana comes up to Britt in the hallway and finally lays it all on the line—yes, she loves Britt and she’s so angry all the time because she has feelings for her she’s afraid of dealing with, and while she can’t go to an Indigo Girls concert she does want to be with Britt. She’s still afraid of getting looks or being talked about. This is the first time we’ve seen Santana truly vulnerable and it’s breathtaking. Britt reminds her that Santana will slash them with her words and protect herself, but then Santana reveals her true fear—wondering what people will say behind their backs, where she can’t cut them down.

The real heartbreak comes when Britt admits she loves Santana, but loves Artie too and can’t break up with him. Santana doesn’t understand, calling Artie a stupid boy. But Britt tells Santana she’s hers and if she ever breaks up with Artie and is lucky enough that Santana is still single she’d be with her in a heartbeat—but that’s not enough for Santana, who pushes her away, cuttingly sniping “Whoever thought being fluid meant you can be so stuck.”

There had been a lot of complaints that the Brittana pairing had been forgotten this season with Britt dating Artie and Santana going after various guys, but as much as I give Glee guff for failing at overarching plotlines, the execution on this one was spot on. When Santana is finally ready to be honest about her feelings, after all the attempts at distracting herself with boys have failed (Sam, really, a total last-ditch effort), it’s too late. In her fears and her emotions we finally get the real depth of Santana’s character that’s been building all along. She’s been in line with Sue as a loveable villain on the show, but where Sue can sometimes jump all over the place for comedic effect, Santana has been steadfast and building toward this. I’m excited to see how she moves on from her first real heartbreak and from being completely honest with herself. I’m hopeful when Kurt eventually returns to McKinley Santana and him might even find some common ground. (This scene also sets up the foundation for some serious ship wars between Britt/Santana and Artie/Britt fans. It’s hard to pick one over the other, and that should make for good television down the road.)

Elsewhere in the hallway Lauren calls Puck a nerd for joining the celibacy club after their sex tape idea was shut down thanks to child pornography laws, and Puck points out that he never thinks about consequences and he’s trying not to be a loser and get his act together. Lauren wants to punch him, so she does the next best thing by kissing him instead and offers to join the club with him.

In fact, almost everyone has joined the club, including Santana, Artie and Britt. Quinn is still there but has a hickey, which she tries to pass off as a curling iron burn—but it turns out it was inflicted by Finn, who finally reappears in the episode in a make-out flashback with Quinn. Quinn is obsessed with their status as the potential It Couple at school and about correcting the wrongs of last season, when Finn should have been who she lost her virginity to, and I guess the guy fathered her baby that she’s pretty much forgotten about. We don’t really find out how Finn feels about that, or feels about anything (does anyone remember Tina or Mercedes? Who are they again?) To cap off the episode, Holly is fired because of complaints about her sex ed lessons, and as a result she decides she wants to know more about romance. Schue sweeps her off her feet and offers his teaching prowess. Well, at least that’s over for now.

As is this episode, which was up and down, but more up. Glee straddles the line between funny and serious so often that over-the-top, weird things completely overshadow any sort of realness the show reflects, but tonight the balance was just fine. The show isn’t a reality show about singing teenagers; instead, characters like Britt and Santana or Kurt and his father keep us grounded to the show. When Glee mixes both is when it wins, and while I couldn’t in good conscious call this winning it’s the closest Glee has come in a while.

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